Day two of the Eating Disorder Anonymous meetings was a lot better than the first. For one, I was much less nervous as I knew my bearings and had some familiar faces in the room. For another, I was able to get myself there with ample time - I hate being late. It is a large cause of anxiety for me. If I am late I get embarrassed and stressed that I will have missed something important, that I will cause a scene with my late arrival, or that I will disrupt the people that I am meeting. If someone else is late, I start to panic and assume the worst has happened to them or I will become aggravated that our time together has been wasted. Either way you slice it - I get anxious over tardiness and like to be in charge of my own clock.
I still didn't do much sharing; however I did volunteer to read the pledges at the end and offered up my own mini milestone. This week it was the time I spent in Calgary. Unfortunately I still partook in behaviours, it seems almost every day that I do. But I did talk openly and honestly with my mother about my disorder without sugarcoating details or exaggerating that things were becoming way easier for me because clearly they aren't. I told her that I was severely unhappy with myself, that I thought I didn't deserve the love, affection, and support I get. I told her that I still wanted to be thinner and yet, I want to recover. All of these things are true in my head despite the fact that I can rationalize that they are 'insane'. Its a mini milestone I know, but being open about my thoughts and feelings has always helped no matter how negative and destructive they are. To get them off my chest is a huge relief in itself.
I really need to look more at the EDA website so I become more familiar with the 12 steps. That is another thing that causes me anxiety - not knowing the answers. Again I can rationalize how menial that is because it is impossible to know everything. But nonetheless, it causes me great discomfort to not be able to have a general knowledge and as a result I contribute less of my own thoughts and ideas because I am unsure and not well versed on the topics.
I did come home and cook myself a REAL vegan dinner however. I made a veggie stir-fry with zucchini 'spaghetti' and topped it with a veggie patty. I sat down by the tv and ate it like a real meal. This is a huge step - you have no idea. So far I have not purged or used laxatives, which again is a huge step. Despite that I had a few handfuls of trail mix afterwards and feel like I overate, the fact that I ate is an accomplishment. The thoughts and feelings of worthlessness and fatness remain prominent, but those aren't things that just disappear because of one wholesome meal.
Keep fighting lovelies and good luck.
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