I attended my first Eating Disorder Anonymous meeting this evening. I had no idea what to expect upon entering. All I knew was that it was a "12 Step Program" and that it was at the local req centre. I'd like to take a step back before I dive right into it however.
I have suffered from disordered eating for a lot of my life and have had a "eating disorder" for about five years now. That intertwined with my depression has caused quite the turmoil in my life as of late. I began to spiral downhill after my first year of University. I put on the typical Freshman fifteen the summer following and was at an all time low in self-esteem, self-worth, and my self-image. I didn't know where my life was going, I was confused by my classes, and I felt lost and confused. So I turned to food and "fixing" my self image. I wanted to drop weight fast and at least feel happy about one aspect of my life.
I think that throughout my entries aspects of my past will arise but for today I'd rather talk about this week. I have been in a tumultuous relationship for almost two years. A relationship full of love, but full of hardships and a lot of problems as well. This man, this love of my life, ended things this past week for valid reasons. Reasons like we need to work on our own daemons before we can be together because we are instead killing each other. And as much as I can rationalize that he is correct, the action hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt my world shatter. He was (is?) the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The man that knew all about my crazy issues. The man that knew my every insecurity. In that moment I didn't want to live. I wanted to fade into oblivion because in my mind, without him, I was nothing. He was all I had. I know now, and I probably knew then, that this is not the case. i am extremely fortunate to be surrounded by loving friends and family who care way too much about me - I have to keep reminding myself about that because it gets lost sometimes in all of my negativity.
Anyways, I sobbed for three days straight and am still very sad now, but it spurred my re-dedication to recovery. I know that I have to recover for myself primarily, but the added bonus of recovering for the possibility of being back together with him in the future really got me going. Maybe not the healthiest, but what I have learned is to take what I can when I can, and not fight the small things as long as they are provoking positive outcomes. You can't tackle all of your issues at once, I have to compartmentalize and tackle small things one at a time. Thus I am attempting not to beat myself up about the reasons and rather be thankful for the inspiration to recover.
I got accepted to a local group program through an eating disorder clinic, but due to its popularity it doesn't begin until November 9th. So in the meantime I figured I would attend one of these anonymous meetings. Like I stated, I had no idea what to expect. I have never been to addict meetings of any type and gathered my information from popular television shows.
The group was small and intimate, but I still felt too nervous to share on my first day. The group was comprised of six women from all walks of life - some had been there for months and others were more fresh. Honestly, the experience was awesome. Besides the fact that I felt awkward and self conscious, it was incredibly refreshing to be around people who were struggling with the same problems and anxieties - especially people who were willing to be open about such problems and express their gratitude for the program and the progress they had made.
The only thing that through me off was the emphasis on God. I am not a religious woman and never had been. I no longer judge people for looking to a higher power like my younger, more naive self did; however, I do not choose to indulge in the idea of a powerful being. At the end of the meeting I questioned this, expressing my anxiety to the group leader about not being a god-believing woman and she cleared things up in an instant. She insisted that "higher power" could be more spiritual such as nature, a group of people you love, or the like. That is something I think I can get on board with. So I hear vow to go to the next meeting, attempt to look past the whole "God" emphasis and just embrace being around people that understand my struggle.
I will report back to y'all when I can - I hope those of you struggling are well. Keep in touch :). <3
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