Day two of the Eating Disorder Anonymous meetings was a lot better than the first. For one, I was much less nervous as I knew my bearings and had some familiar faces in the room. For another, I was able to get myself there with ample time - I hate being late. It is a large cause of anxiety for me. If I am late I get embarrassed and stressed that I will have missed something important, that I will cause a scene with my late arrival, or that I will disrupt the people that I am meeting. If someone else is late, I start to panic and assume the worst has happened to them or I will become aggravated that our time together has been wasted. Either way you slice it - I get anxious over tardiness and like to be in charge of my own clock.
I still didn't do much sharing; however I did volunteer to read the pledges at the end and offered up my own mini milestone. This week it was the time I spent in Calgary. Unfortunately I still partook in behaviours, it seems almost every day that I do. But I did talk openly and honestly with my mother about my disorder without sugarcoating details or exaggerating that things were becoming way easier for me because clearly they aren't. I told her that I was severely unhappy with myself, that I thought I didn't deserve the love, affection, and support I get. I told her that I still wanted to be thinner and yet, I want to recover. All of these things are true in my head despite the fact that I can rationalize that they are 'insane'. Its a mini milestone I know, but being open about my thoughts and feelings has always helped no matter how negative and destructive they are. To get them off my chest is a huge relief in itself.
I really need to look more at the EDA website so I become more familiar with the 12 steps. That is another thing that causes me anxiety - not knowing the answers. Again I can rationalize how menial that is because it is impossible to know everything. But nonetheless, it causes me great discomfort to not be able to have a general knowledge and as a result I contribute less of my own thoughts and ideas because I am unsure and not well versed on the topics.
I did come home and cook myself a REAL vegan dinner however. I made a veggie stir-fry with zucchini 'spaghetti' and topped it with a veggie patty. I sat down by the tv and ate it like a real meal. This is a huge step - you have no idea. So far I have not purged or used laxatives, which again is a huge step. Despite that I had a few handfuls of trail mix afterwards and feel like I overate, the fact that I ate is an accomplishment. The thoughts and feelings of worthlessness and fatness remain prominent, but those aren't things that just disappear because of one wholesome meal.
Keep fighting lovelies and good luck.
Thursday, July 14, 2016
Thursday, July 7, 2016
One - July 07 2016
I attended my first Eating Disorder Anonymous meeting this evening. I had no idea what to expect upon entering. All I knew was that it was a "12 Step Program" and that it was at the local req centre. I'd like to take a step back before I dive right into it however.
I have suffered from disordered eating for a lot of my life and have had a "eating disorder" for about five years now. That intertwined with my depression has caused quite the turmoil in my life as of late. I began to spiral downhill after my first year of University. I put on the typical Freshman fifteen the summer following and was at an all time low in self-esteem, self-worth, and my self-image. I didn't know where my life was going, I was confused by my classes, and I felt lost and confused. So I turned to food and "fixing" my self image. I wanted to drop weight fast and at least feel happy about one aspect of my life.
I think that throughout my entries aspects of my past will arise but for today I'd rather talk about this week. I have been in a tumultuous relationship for almost two years. A relationship full of love, but full of hardships and a lot of problems as well. This man, this love of my life, ended things this past week for valid reasons. Reasons like we need to work on our own daemons before we can be together because we are instead killing each other. And as much as I can rationalize that he is correct, the action hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt my world shatter. He was (is?) the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The man that knew all about my crazy issues. The man that knew my every insecurity. In that moment I didn't want to live. I wanted to fade into oblivion because in my mind, without him, I was nothing. He was all I had. I know now, and I probably knew then, that this is not the case. i am extremely fortunate to be surrounded by loving friends and family who care way too much about me - I have to keep reminding myself about that because it gets lost sometimes in all of my negativity.
Anyways, I sobbed for three days straight and am still very sad now, but it spurred my re-dedication to recovery. I know that I have to recover for myself primarily, but the added bonus of recovering for the possibility of being back together with him in the future really got me going. Maybe not the healthiest, but what I have learned is to take what I can when I can, and not fight the small things as long as they are provoking positive outcomes. You can't tackle all of your issues at once, I have to compartmentalize and tackle small things one at a time. Thus I am attempting not to beat myself up about the reasons and rather be thankful for the inspiration to recover.
I got accepted to a local group program through an eating disorder clinic, but due to its popularity it doesn't begin until November 9th. So in the meantime I figured I would attend one of these anonymous meetings. Like I stated, I had no idea what to expect. I have never been to addict meetings of any type and gathered my information from popular television shows.
The group was small and intimate, but I still felt too nervous to share on my first day. The group was comprised of six women from all walks of life - some had been there for months and others were more fresh. Honestly, the experience was awesome. Besides the fact that I felt awkward and self conscious, it was incredibly refreshing to be around people who were struggling with the same problems and anxieties - especially people who were willing to be open about such problems and express their gratitude for the program and the progress they had made.
The only thing that through me off was the emphasis on God. I am not a religious woman and never had been. I no longer judge people for looking to a higher power like my younger, more naive self did; however, I do not choose to indulge in the idea of a powerful being. At the end of the meeting I questioned this, expressing my anxiety to the group leader about not being a god-believing woman and she cleared things up in an instant. She insisted that "higher power" could be more spiritual such as nature, a group of people you love, or the like. That is something I think I can get on board with. So I hear vow to go to the next meeting, attempt to look past the whole "God" emphasis and just embrace being around people that understand my struggle.
I will report back to y'all when I can - I hope those of you struggling are well. Keep in touch :). <3
I have suffered from disordered eating for a lot of my life and have had a "eating disorder" for about five years now. That intertwined with my depression has caused quite the turmoil in my life as of late. I began to spiral downhill after my first year of University. I put on the typical Freshman fifteen the summer following and was at an all time low in self-esteem, self-worth, and my self-image. I didn't know where my life was going, I was confused by my classes, and I felt lost and confused. So I turned to food and "fixing" my self image. I wanted to drop weight fast and at least feel happy about one aspect of my life.
I think that throughout my entries aspects of my past will arise but for today I'd rather talk about this week. I have been in a tumultuous relationship for almost two years. A relationship full of love, but full of hardships and a lot of problems as well. This man, this love of my life, ended things this past week for valid reasons. Reasons like we need to work on our own daemons before we can be together because we are instead killing each other. And as much as I can rationalize that he is correct, the action hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt my world shatter. He was (is?) the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The man that knew all about my crazy issues. The man that knew my every insecurity. In that moment I didn't want to live. I wanted to fade into oblivion because in my mind, without him, I was nothing. He was all I had. I know now, and I probably knew then, that this is not the case. i am extremely fortunate to be surrounded by loving friends and family who care way too much about me - I have to keep reminding myself about that because it gets lost sometimes in all of my negativity.
Anyways, I sobbed for three days straight and am still very sad now, but it spurred my re-dedication to recovery. I know that I have to recover for myself primarily, but the added bonus of recovering for the possibility of being back together with him in the future really got me going. Maybe not the healthiest, but what I have learned is to take what I can when I can, and not fight the small things as long as they are provoking positive outcomes. You can't tackle all of your issues at once, I have to compartmentalize and tackle small things one at a time. Thus I am attempting not to beat myself up about the reasons and rather be thankful for the inspiration to recover.
I got accepted to a local group program through an eating disorder clinic, but due to its popularity it doesn't begin until November 9th. So in the meantime I figured I would attend one of these anonymous meetings. Like I stated, I had no idea what to expect. I have never been to addict meetings of any type and gathered my information from popular television shows.
The group was small and intimate, but I still felt too nervous to share on my first day. The group was comprised of six women from all walks of life - some had been there for months and others were more fresh. Honestly, the experience was awesome. Besides the fact that I felt awkward and self conscious, it was incredibly refreshing to be around people who were struggling with the same problems and anxieties - especially people who were willing to be open about such problems and express their gratitude for the program and the progress they had made.
The only thing that through me off was the emphasis on God. I am not a religious woman and never had been. I no longer judge people for looking to a higher power like my younger, more naive self did; however, I do not choose to indulge in the idea of a powerful being. At the end of the meeting I questioned this, expressing my anxiety to the group leader about not being a god-believing woman and she cleared things up in an instant. She insisted that "higher power" could be more spiritual such as nature, a group of people you love, or the like. That is something I think I can get on board with. So I hear vow to go to the next meeting, attempt to look past the whole "God" emphasis and just embrace being around people that understand my struggle.
I will report back to y'all when I can - I hope those of you struggling are well. Keep in touch :). <3
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